Dear Friend,
At your shower, there was a little basket with note cards asking us to
write down a word of advice to you, the new Mom-to-be. I’ve never really liked shower advice cards
because I have a hard time thinking of the important things to say on the
spot. Well, I’ve taken some time to
think of the best advice to give you and here it is ….
DO NOT COMPARE YOURSELF TO OTHERS!!
I don’t know how else to tell you this. It’s going to be
rough. Comparing yourself to other Moms
is HARD stuff. Maybe since you’re an
older (don’t take that that wrong way) Momma with a lot of confidence, you
won’t fight with this pesky struggle. I
hope so!! Sleepless nights, moody kids,
sore nipples, temper tantrums, explosive diapers, throw up, food stuck on
walls, lack of showers … none of these will hurt you like comparison will. Of course I know that it’s tempting to
compare ourselves to others in all
facets of life, but there is just something about motherhood that brings out the
worst in the jaws of comparison. I read a quote on a friend’s blog that said,
“Comparison is the thief of joy.” That
couldn’t be farther from the truth. If
you’re not careful, it will suck the joy out of your Mommy days and your life. I’m sure you’ve already heard the words,
“Mommy Wars.” While it’s true that these
so called wars surface in varying opinions about parenting choices, I think the
real Mommy war is in our hearts.
Friend, you will know when comparison creeps into your
heart because you will most likely respond in 1 of 3 ways: anger,
discouragement, or pride. You’ll walk
away from a blog, someone’s house, facebook or a conversation with another Mom
and feel angry at yourself or your spouse and take it out on everyone and be
crabby! … Or you’ll be feel discouraged
and try to implement some new “plan” to measure up to some aloof status or
maybe you’ll wallow with a bag of Doritos and then feel even worse because you
did that. Or you’ll pat yourself on the
back and think yourself superior to another Mom who can’t cook or craft the way
you do or communicate with their child in the most awesome way you can.
Unfortunately this comparison struggle starts during
pregnancy and rolls over into even the early days of Mommydom ;) One of the first questions that Moms get
asked after birth is, “did you get an epidural?” As if that is the beginning of how awesome
and loving we Mothers can be. Maybe your
birth plan doesn’t go according to plan. Or worse, your birth is as perfect and
predictable as you have ever dreamed and pride creeps in when you hear of a Mom
who opted for an early epidural. Maybe
you’ll read a blog about a Mom who is feeding her kiddos 100% organic food 100% of the time since day
one and making her eggnog and cheese from scratch and you feel inadequate. You’re at a friend’s house and her bathroom
is spotless and everything appears to be perfectly organized and you feel like
a failure because instead of “getting things done” yesterday like she did, you watched
the today show, took a nap, made an easy dinner, and just kept the baby
alive. Maybe you’re at “In and Out” with
baby girl and you hear a Mom get impatient with her young son and you think, “I
can’t believe she said that to him, I’ll never do that.” Maybe down the road you’ll read about some
amazing tradition or awesome cupcakes that someone made and you’ll feel angry
that hubby isn’t on board with all the rules and things you want to implement.
Or maybe you will be the Mom that has the best birthday parties with the
perfect cakes and all smiley faces. The
list could go on and on and on ….
This war rages in our
hearts because we have set other Moms and Pinterest as our standard. We have let earthly (sometimes good) things
become THE things and before you know it, you have forgotten where you real
identity lies. You have forgotten that
you are a child of God. You have forgotten that the only person we can compare
ourselves too is Christ and every time we will fall short! But, Guess what?? You don’t have to wallow in self-pity and
focus on self because you actually have Christ’s righteousness and you have his
Grace and forgiveness that abounds and gives life now and forever. You can focus on being a faithful parent and
let all of the other preferences fall as they will over time as you learn and
grow. You can forgive and understand and
empathize with Moms who struggle and respect them when they prefer something
different than yourself. In your heart …
Want the things that God wants and Believe what God says about himself and
about who you are IN CHRIST!!!
Don’t get me wrong.
Learning from other Moms and emulating good decisions is great. Admonishing our friends is what we should
do. So, when you see or read something
and comparison creeps in, celebrate with that Mom or person for their skill and
good deed. It’s popular now to judge
Moms for seeming to be too perfect. You
know, we say, “No one is perfect” and “I like her because she’s real.” Most of the time we say and think those
things to make ourselves feel better instead of being happy for someone else.
We think that crafty Moms with obedient kids aren’t being honest. Oh well, some Moms really are more optimistic,
manage time better, are craftier, better cooks, or have easy kids! That is wonderful! When you see a Mom struggle, admit your own
struggles and pray for them and for yourself.
Admit your sins, walk in grace, ask for forgiveness, love, and don’t compare
….. but if you do there is grace for that, too J
LOVE YOU!!! I really had wished to add some scripture but I
didn’t’ have time.
Pam
Terrific advice. It works for Dads too.
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